Good Ones

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

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A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker’s trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.

Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

No one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!!

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, “Okay dammit, I’ll do the dishes.”

Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out plowing. One day when he was out in the fields, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him. Then, she stayed there while he quietly ate and berated him with her constant nagging and complaining. Suddenly, the ole mule nearby kicked up his back legs and kicked the wife in the head and she died!

At the funeral when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, Jake would shake his head from side to side. The minister noticing this, approached Jake and asked why he shook his head one way for the women and the other way for the men?

“Well, Jake replied, ‘The women all said how nice she looked and her dress was pretty, so I agreed with a yes. The men all asked, ‘Is the mule for sale?’ and I shook my head no.”

Sad news: I usually don’t pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about.

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey”, died last week at 83.

It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket.

They’d put his left leg in and....well, you know the rest.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they’d leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. “NO WAY,” she exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They’re fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.

On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them freezes. “Psssst,” he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.

“Le voila,” he says, “Regardez, mes amis, isn’t zat a bacon tree on ze ‘orizon?”

And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone’s throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.

The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. “Zat was no bacon tree,” he gasps, “Zat was an ‘am bush.”

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... “promise!” Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, “well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, ‘oh f**k,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

A five year old little girl named Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your #*&#! cat."

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Tales from the Family Planning Clinic

It’s not often we get a good chuckle from comments made by our clients. I would like to share comments from one of the male client satisfaction surveys we are asking men to fill out evaluating our vasectomy clinic services. This one came from a health department office here in Idaho.

The question is:

Do you have any suggestions about how we could improve our clinic or services to meet your needs?

Answer:

Yes

1) More pictures of big game

2) Ducks, you don’t have any ducks. You need ducks

3) A different copy of Field & Stream on every seat.

4) Big stuffed animals. That would make me feel way more comfortable. Don’t

you think?

5) Take down the big Vasectomy sign, that makes me uncomfortable.

6) Free car wash with visit

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”

“That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?”

The farmer continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.” “Again? So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued. “I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed. So then what else did you do?” the man asked.

“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in...”

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?"

"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"

"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"

"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."

A True Story, if she had killed herself she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
.

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.

It is completely dark.

Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."

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A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's *their* deer!" So... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer, lady... It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!"

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Ole: Sven, you should be more careful about pulling down your window shades. I saw you and Lena making love last night.

Sven: Ha, the joke's on you. I wasn't home last night!

Lena: I'd better warn you, my husband will be home in an hour.

Male friend: But I haven't done anything I shouldn't do.

Lena: I know... but if you're going to you'd better hurry up

Lena to male friend: Do you know how to sell vacuum cleaners?

Male friend: No.

Lena: Well, you'd better learn fast... that's my husband coming up the sidewalk.

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Two farmers met a at an equipment convention and began to talk. One of the men owned a very large ranch and wanted to impress the other fellow. "How large is your farm?" asked the rancher. "Oh, about 50 acres. How about yours?" The man stood proudly and said, "When I wake up at the crack of dawn, I could get in my truck and drive until sunset and still be on my ranch." "Yep", replied the man. "I had a truck like that once."

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Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down. An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."

A tourist from St. Paul, traveling in the Deep South, desperately needed a dentist. Even though he found the only dentist around for 50 miles, he still felt compelled to ask for a reference. Calling the number the secretary gave him, he spoke with the former patient who had just arrived home from playing golf. When asked about the dentist, he replied: "On the 18th fairway, a 175 yard par three, I positioned myself to chip on the green when I heard someone behind on the 16th fairway yell 'Fore.' I turned around to see a golf ball land some 15 yards away. It bounced twice and hit me about 6 inches under my belt. For 20 minutes, it was the first time in 12 months I hadn't thought about that dentist."

John Cleese was recently asked what the difference is between the US and England. His response:1. In England, they speak English.2. When the English have a World Championship in sports, they invite other countries3. When visiting the English head of state, you only need to go down on *one* knee.

A farmer owned a very large herd of cows. There were so many that he had three bulls to service these cows. The first bull was a large and handsome specimen and the largest part of the herd was his. The second bull was a nice enough bull, but rather average, not as domineering as the first bull. However, he was satisfied with his smaller portion of the herd. The third bull was small and meek, and had only four cows that he could call his own. One day as the three bulls stood beside the barn, they overheard the farmer saying that he had just bought a new bull; a fine expensive, purebred animal with an excellent record. He had sired many prize winning heifers. The first bull snorted and said, "If he thinks he's gonna get any of MY cows, he's in for a big surprise, because I'm not gonna give up a one of 'em." The second bull said, "I'm not gonna let him near MY cows either." The third bull said quietly, "I sure hope he isn't gonna want any of mine. I've got so few." Then, one day as the three bulls watched from a knoll at the back of the big feed lot, a big trailer truck pulled into the yard and backed up to the barn yard gate. The gate swung open and a ramp was lowered to the ground. The truck doors were opened and there stood the meanest, baddest, orneriest looking bull this side of the Mason-Dixon line. His shoulders filled the trailer doorway and the ramp creaked and sagged under his weight as he slowly descended. The first bull said, "Weeeeell. Maybe, just to show this new fellow what a good guy I am, I'll just give him a third of my herd." The second bull spoke up. "You know, you're right. We should be hospitable. I'm gonna offer him HALF of my cows. The third bull began to bellow and snort, and roar, and paw the ground. The first two bulls looked at him in disbelief. "What's the matter with you? Can't you see the SIZE of that guy?" To which the third bull answered, "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Here's something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

Remember this the next time somone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable...

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?

Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians.

You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.

"We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That's a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are so ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste."

"Don't go any further, I know that place.

Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see thePope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.

"You and a million other people trying to see him.

He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.

You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel - it was great!

They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really...What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

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The old retired General goes into the base hospital for his annual physical. "Any complaints about your physical condition?" the doctor asks. "My sex life isn't as good and often as it used to be!" complains the General. "Really, General, when was the last time you had sexual relations?" asked the doctor."1958!" said the General. "Well, no wonder," said the doctor, "that's an awfully long time ago and you're an old man!" The General replied, angered, "Whaddya mean, it's only a little after 2100 right now!"

There was a blonde who was really tired of the "blonde jokes" so she decided to prove everybody wrong. She studied for weeks, maybe even months, to learn the capitols of all the states. When she was done, she walked up to a friend and said "Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me the capitol of any state." To which her friend said "OK, what's the capitol of Minnesota?" The blonde smiled and replied, "M"

A man is feeling poorly so he goes to his Doctor. After numerous tests the doc says "I'm sorry but you have an incurable condition and there is nothing more I can do for you." The man pleads with the Doctor to suggest anything he might do to improve his condition and the Dr. then suggests that he go to the spa and take a daily mud bath. "Is there any hope of a cure?" the man asks. "No" says the Doctor, "but it will help you get used to dirt."

An intern nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?" The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

An Irishman visited the doctor complaining of sore feet. Upon examining them the doctor requested that he keep off his feet as much as possible and to put on a new pair of socks everyday for a week. This he had done and by the 5th day the Irishman could not fit his shoes on.

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A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the ** Up!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

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This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the pychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goerring."

An upset older gentleman calls is doctor. "Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "It's my wife, doctor, my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead." "What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor. "Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up."

A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops on to a barstool to order a drink. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you? The grasshopper replies, "Really! You have a drink named Eddie?"

After some years of medical practice, a gynecologist decided it is time for a career change, and so enrolled in a course on auto mechanics. The final exam, which was worth 200 points, consisted of disassembling and reassembling an engine. The doctor passed the test with a score of 300. Puzzled by this, the doctor asked the instructor for an explanation. The instructor said, "Well, you're quite an outstanding student. I gave you 100 points for correctly disassembling the engine and 100 points for correctly reassembling it, and I gave you an extra 100 points for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Well, if it had four doors it would be a sedan

What is big and green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree will kill you? A pool table

Q: Why does a faucet drip?

A: Because it can't go...[sound effect: long snorking sniff]

Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven to an orientation:

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher, who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!"

A Californian man and his wife decide after having their tenth child that ten is enough children for 1 couple. So, the next day, the Californian man goes to his doctor and asks if there is a low-budget procedure for this. His doctor tells him that there is a thing called a vasectomy, and is just about to explain the procedure to him when he thinks of another way to do it, so he tells Mr. California to put a cherry bomb in a tin can, hold it beside his ear and count to ten.

Mr. California thinks that this is absurd. "How can a cherry bomb in a tin can next to my ear help?" he thinks. So he goes to Nevada for a second opinion.

He gets to Nevada and the doctor there tells him the EXACT SAME THING!! "So," he thinks, "two doctors can't both be wrong, so I'll do it."

He gets home, puts a cherry bomb in a tin can and holds it next to his left ear. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," he counts, then he stops, thinks, and then puts the tin can in between his legs and starts counting on his other hand.

The county game warden dies and Sven and Ole devise a

plan that will hopefully land one of them in the position.

They flip a coin and Ole calls it.

"Heads" he cries. "You'd be calling the mayor Sven."

So Sven calls up the mayor and says:

"Mayor, I hear the game warden died last night. If its alright with you, I'd like to take his place."

The Mayor replied: "It's alright with me if it's alright with the undertaker."

A duck waddles into a 7-11, walks up to the clerk and says, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk says, "No, I'm sorry, we don't have any grapes."

The duck walks back out.

About 10 minutes later, the duck walks back in again. he says, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk says, "No, we don't have any grapes, and I told you that 10 minutes ago!!"

The duck thinks about this, and then walks back out onto the street.

10 minutes later, the duck comes back in!! "Got any grapes?"

"NO!!!" the clerk yelled. "And if you come in here 10 minutes later again and ask your same dumb question, I will nail your feet to the ceiling!!"

The duck thinks about this, and then walks back out of the 7-11.

10 minutes later, the duck comes waddling back in! "Got any nails?"

"No," the clerk says.

"Got any grapes?"

A friend of mine told me this one the other day...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

A Florida Game Warden escorted a poacher to face an angry Judge. The Judge asked: "What earthly reason did you have to shoot and kill a peaceful Great Blue

Heron?". The poacher replied: " Yer honor, if you cook them just right, they taste better than Bald Eagle".

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist placed her lightly on the step of the bus and patted her on the ass.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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At a bankers' dinner the other evening a banker read a bad poem that he wrote, and nothing was done about it. But just let a poet write a bad check!

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A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City

daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street

"Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother

answered.

"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have

children?"

"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come

from?"

A deacon, a priest, and a bishop are about to be executed, and are each allowed one last request.The deacon says, "I'd like a really good meal. Shrimp, steak, all the fixings, a bottle of fine wine...."The bishop, appalled at this shameless display of self-indulgence and gluttony, says, "I'd like to give one last sermon: wrap up all the thinking and teaching I've been doing over the past forty years, tie up the loose ends, make all the points I've never quite had time to make before...."And the priest says, "I'd like to be shot before the bishop starts his sermon, please."

An old geezer went up to the pharmacist and asked in an embarrassed whisper for some Viagra. "No problem," said the pharmacist, "How many do you want?" "Just a few," said the geezer, "Maybe 5 or six...and could you cut them into quarters?" "Well that won't do you much good," said the pharmacist. The geezer replied, "That's Okay. I'm over 80, and my wife's dead. I just need it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a restaurant in Portland, Oregon, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do. Okay?" They agreed, but once he'd left, Joe called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "he's going to ask you a question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's five bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag. Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he started, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of xsquared is?" The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "um, one third x cubed?" Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and an irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the man -- clearly an eccentric -- hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

A teacher told the students in her class to bring in a symbol of their religion for show and tell. The first student said "I'm a Catholic and this is a Crucifix.” The second student said "I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David.” The third student said "I'm a Lutheran and this is a casserole".

His mother had scrubbed floors to send him through college, and he felt he could never adequately repay her. Now a successful businessman, sent her gifts from all over the world. While traveling in South America, he found a parrot that could speak six languages and recite long passages from Shakespeare. He knew his mother would love such a bird, and paid $14,000 for it. When he got back to the States, he phoned his mother. "How about that bird I sent you?" he asked. "Thank you so much;," his mother said "It was delicious."

A frog named Jagger wants to borrow some money so he can buy a sailboat to go around the world. The frog goes to the bank and is directed to the Loan Department where he's greeted by Loan Officer Ms. Patricia Wack. She interviews the frog, making a list of his salary and other assets. "What kind of collateral do you have to offer for such a big loan?” she asks. The frog reaches into his pouch and pulls out a pink ceramic elephant. He sets the elephant on the desk proudly. Seeing the loan officer's puzzled look, the frog says, "If it's of any help, my father knows the manager here." Patricia says, "Excuse me." She takes the elephant and leaves to look for the manager. When she finally finds him, she tells him, "There's a frog out there who wants a big loan to buy a sailboat so he can travel around the world. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant. He claims he knows you. What is this elephant and what is this all about??!! "The manager takes the pink ceramic elephant from her and replies, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog his loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone!"

This guy has been working at the local grocery store for over two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker Arty s tart talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers headline read, “ Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods.

Last Sunday was the final performance of 'CATS', Broadway's longest running musical. It racked up a record 7,485 performances.

Usually, when a musical ends its run, the production company assists the newly out-of-work actors and actresses in finding other jobs, filing for unemployment benefits, etc.

In this case, the actors were just stuffed into a gigantic burlap bag, weighed down with rocks, and thrown from a bridge into the East River.

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What's the difference between your lover, a prostitute, and your wife? Your lover says, "are you through already," a prostitute says, "aren't you through yet?" and your wife says "beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Female: Wow , this bus is really crowded... sir, would you mind giving me your seat... I'm pregnant.

No problem.. here, take my seat. You know, you don't look pregnant... how far along are you?

Female: About 20 minutes... and I'm pooped!

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

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Three friars were banished from their monastery for strange behavior and various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar’s store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of tow n. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said “No. We’re not leaving”. So the townspeople gave up and went home Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friars shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, “No way.” And all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was nouse. A large dandelion wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar’ s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn’t leave town. But the friars said, “We’re staying”. So, the citizens gave up and began to go home.

Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and s aid, “Get out of town, now!”. The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and stupid plants and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, “Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish.” A few minutes later, God sees the statues dissapear behind a bush. The bush commences rattiling and shaking like no ones business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. “Hey,” God says “You’ve still g ot twelve hours left, go have fun!” So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, “Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I’ll crap on it.”

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Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputati on because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn’t take her clone’s foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall

The Hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on vacation, so he put an add in the newspaper for a temp bell ringer. Well, weeks and weeks go by, and there the hunchback is, sitting on the bottom of the steps woeing his bad luck, when a short man with no arms walks up to him and says: “Excuse me, but are you the hunchback who needed the bell ringer?” “Why yes I am, but how can you ring the huge bell, you have no arms?” “Let me show you, its amazing.” said the little man. So up and up they go to the ve ry top of Notre Dame. And the little man walks to the very last possible inch and runs, face first, into the bell. “BANG!” went the bell. “WOW!” went the Hunchback.”Can you do it again?” “Sure,” said the little man. So he runs to the last possible inch a nd starts to run back. But the bell was still swinging, and right as the little man is about to run into it, it swang out of the way and the little man fell though the hole, all the way down into the street below. “Oh no, now I’ll never get my vacation” s aid the Hunchback as he ran back down the stairs. By the time he got all the way down, the police had arrived. The detective asked the Hunchback if he new the name of the victim of the fall. “No, but his face sure rings a bell”

Poo Poo Boudreaux and Poo Poo Tibideaux were coming up a inlet in their motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish. Seeing as how their luck was pretty piss poor today, Boudreaux asked the fisherman what his secret was. He said, “Jes go out to sea until the water gets fresh. Stop there and drop yer line.” Excited, Boudreaux fired up the motor and headed out to sea. When they got a little ways out, he told Tibideaux to fill up a bucket and taste the water. Tibedeaux complied and said, “It’s still salty Boudreaux!” Boudreaux went further out and told Tibideaux to taste the water again. Tibideaux said the same thing, “It’s still salty Boudreaux!” This went on for hours... Finally it was starting to get dark, and they were in the middle of now here, when Boudreaux said to taste the water one last time. Tibideaux replied, “But Boudreaux, there’s no more water in the bucket!”

Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever!Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realised that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zoo keepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone t o sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absent mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises

Once apon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate’s house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over nate and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever...~

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

An Irishman visited the doctor complaining of sore feet. Upon

examining them the doctor requested that he keep off his feet

as much as possible and to put on a new pair of socks everyday

for a week. This he had done and by the 5th day the Irishman

could not fit his shoes on.

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A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!). After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says, "Can I smell your fanny?" to which she, not altogether unsurprisingly replies "You certainly can NOT!!" He nonchalantly turns to her and says, "Oh, it must be your feet then."

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