I've Got Funny Friends

"A good writer writes, a great writer steals."
--Paul Batt

These jokes are stolen from my friends. Who they stole them from is none of my concern.

Ed: I'd be green with envy, too, if I thought I wrote that.

 Ed: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the lane?
Tarzan: The elephants are coming down the lane!

Following is the joke that my daughter told me tonight that caught me unprepared to return fire. In her version, the duck goes to a lemonade stand,  and is threatened with glue.

I always tell that one whilst shaking my own boo-tay.

Thanks for sharing :-) Keep the smiles coming.
UPDATE 1: Thanks to Chris George and Governor Mike Pence for the set up:

I've always thought this one was so damn funny. Thanks for sharing, Chris :-)

Whose line?

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes.

The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Dig This

Gotta get back to funny business.

Credit: It's going around.

Shaggy Dog Story

A friend of mine's Chihuahua in South Africa killed a pit bull. Apparently, it got stuck in his throat.

Quick Thinking

From the Car Talk Archives:

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and
lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

I know that this is the second Amish joke I've put up recently, but...I don't post that much, and, this is just too funny. I have all the respect in the world for the Amish. Especially the women. Because...


Q: "What does it take to please an Amish woman?"
A: "Two mennonite."

I Ripped this Off Faster than the Speed of Light

"We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos in here," the bartender
says. A neutrino walks into a bar.

Foreign Language Education ... ahh, who needs it, right?

An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up 


with his hand. The farmer says, "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm 


geschissen," which means, 'Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs shit in it.'



The guy shouts back, "I'm a Teabagger, and this is America. I don't understand your gibberish. Speak 


English, you moron." The farmer says, "Use two hands, you'll get more." ~Dave Birkey

You'll get a charge out of this

"I believe I've lost an electron. No, wait. I'm positive!"

Shortest Joke in the World

4 words, "Venison's dear, isn't it?"
--Jimmy Carr

Horribly Racist Joke For Sure

Q: How do you know when a planeload of Canadians has arrived in Taipei?
A: After the engines are shut down, you can still hear the whine.

Source: withheld to protect the...uhh..."innocent."

An Alternative to Crying

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

It Pays to Read the Fine Print

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
``Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.''
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Call the Carpet Cleaner!

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She
looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good
day, how may we help you today? "" Very uncomfortably, she asks,""Sir,
how much does this rug cost? ""He answers, ""Lady if you farted just
touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the
price is. """

Go Green!

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's
really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans
too, except ONE kid,...named Josh. The teacher looks at Josh and says,
"Josh, you're not a Lakers fan? ""He says, ""Nope, Im a Boston Celtics
fan! "" She says, ""Well why are you a Boston Celtics fan and not a
Lakers fan? ""Josh says, ""Well, my mom is a Boston Celtics fan, and
my dad is a Boston Celtics fan, so I'm a Boston Celtics fan. ""The
teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She
says, ""Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what
would you be?! ""Josh says, ""Then I'd be a Laker fan! """

I DEMAND More Humor Like This!

What do you call a podium that eats people?

Hannibal Lectern



....thanks Curtis!

We don't want to tell any of THOSE jokes

How does every ethnic joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

Clear as a Bell

Two antennae met on a roof and got married. The ceremony was nothing
special, but the reception was Excellent.

Thanks Curtis!

A Full Boat

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were
fighting over his attentions. They held a meeting to resolve the
problem anddecided that each would have his services on adifferent day
of the week, with Sundays off for him. In due time the guy was
dragging himself through theweek, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay
an the beach one day he saw a dot floatingon the sea which as it got
closer turned out to be aman on a raft. With his last ounce of
strength heswam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and
as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am I ever glad to see you!
"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too "said the raft rider
in a swishy way. With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh
damn,there goes my Sundays! "

No Woman No Cry

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.